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Dispelling The Myth Of The Bitter Single Mother

Dispelling The Myth Of The Bitter Single Mother

By L. Ardor
Pride Guest Writer

I am a 31 year old single mother. I was not welcomed into this exclusive club with sweets, a pamphlet of guidelines, and a ‘Big Sister’ mentor; rather I was dragged in amid tears, questions, and prayers to a God in whom I wasn’t sure I still believed. I had become a statistic, a truth that Statistics Canada (StatCan) abrasively informed me as I was gingerly making my way around the awareness of my new life. I was now one of the 12.8 percent of single mothers in Canada. “What now?” I thought. “What the hell now?!”

Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, author of Death and Dying, outlined the five stages of grief observed during her work with terminally ill patients. Her categorization can also be used to describe the different stages single mothers go through when grieving the end of the dream that was a happy intact family. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance are emotions all members of this club have in common. As I was reeling from the internal and external blows of wandering through the first four stages, friends and family in an attempt to be understanding, supportive and nonjudgmental told tell me the same thing, “You have the right to be bitter.”

Pause. According to Merriam-Webster’s definition, I had the right to be “angry and unhappy because of unfair treatment.” Was I angry? Hell yeah! Was I unhappy? I don’t think I can shout yes loud enough. Did I have the right to stew in these feelings until they consumed my spirit? Yes, it’s my spirit and I can do what I want with it. The question I had to ask myself was: Did I want to? The answer was plain, as plain as the dependency my daughter had on my emotional and spiritual wellbeing. No, I didn’t.

“Our (black) society is a perfect breeding ground for bitterness and the perfect ecosystem to sustain it.  We thrive on drama—it gives us something to talk (see: complain) about, something to identify with,” shared J, a fellow single mother.

“You can take that stance as an empowered victim and be in the company of miserable bitter girlfriends until the end of time. Then society gets to pigeonhole women as the creators of drama—we, the ‘baby mamas’, fill the role, perpetuate the stereotype and feed the cycle from both ends.”

Stereotype. Cycle. Drama. Our right. A lifestyle of bitterness seems to be what our peers and surrounding community not only expects, but encourages. When I asked J about her journey, she shared that she was a bitter single mother for some time. “I harboured some serious resentment against my son’s father after we split and he wasn’t contributing up to my standards,” she said.

Damn you standards! Isn’t that where most of the unhappiness and bitterness stems from? We paint this picture of love, security, and future in our minds only to find out that circumstance doesn’t give a damn about our pictures.

Upon reflection on a past tweet, “Great loss gains you beautiful insight”, I echo J’s sentiments when she says “Single motherhood isn’t a sentence, it’s an opportunity to have a different kind of bond with your child.” To that I add: It’s an opportunity to have a different kind of bond with yourself. Through my journey into single parenthood I’ve learned many important lessons on strength, and womanhood, but none as real as this: “Love is always the answer. That is a painful and challenging awareness to reach, but once it changes you, perspectives will shift….”

Like other single mothers, I have combated the expected bitterness response with one of love; love for life, love for self, and even love for the other parent. I’ve learned it is possible for love to change and evolve, I’ve also learned it is possible to love someone without expecting that love back, because love for others is first based on the love and understanding of one’s self.

My advice to new members and the more seasoned still bitter members of this growing club: Honey, shed your bitter tears, write your obligatory posts on social media, sub-tweet if it soothes the wound, but don’t build your house on bitterness. These tiny bundles of legacy are depending on us. “Children get it a number of ways,” J adds.

“Either they become bargaining chips, or they get caught in the unfortunate crossfire of sharp words and disrespectful treatment. Views of both parents can get tainted and relationships destroyed. These tiny humans get dragged into grown folks business when we choose to consider our own hurt before their wellbeing. And bitterness can lose sight of priorities.”

When asked how we can further dispel the myth of the single black mother, J shares, “We battle the myth by choosing to do that.  By acknowledging feelings and doing work on ourselves.  By acknowledging that we aren’t all cut out to be parents, and that some of us are parenting the best that we can—it just won’t always look the way we expected.

When we stop participating in bashing as a pastime and start encouraging other single mothers, the discourse changes. We just need to shift our perspective, our attitudes and (mostly) our language.”

I look at my daughter sleeping badly on the bed beside me, and I agree with J when she says, “Just know that raising a child is hard, beautiful, rewarding, heartbreaking, exhausting and worth it.  It would be all of those things even if you weren’t doing it alone, so don’t miss the experience by wishing it was something else. Find different support systems, become part of a village that will pour positivity into your life and that of your child.  Bitterness will become your prison and your poison.”

In her article, The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship, clinical psychologist Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD writes:

“Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers – there is almost certain to be lingering sadness.  Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life.”

Bitterness may be our right, but freedom is found in our acceptance.

L. Ardor is a writer who believes that everything in life stems from love. Her mission is to spread her philosophy to all brave enough to embrace. You can find Ms. Ardor on twitter: @LaLaArdor

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