Gender Roles And Women Who Pop The Question First

By L. Ardor
Pride Columnist

Marriage and family, the single most important ritual in civilization.  Historically signifying the joining together of two families, tribes and kingdoms, marriage carries a sense of foundational stability. When the family is empowered, the community embodies strength and moral direction. With its destruction and degradation, the community loses its foundational standing, and it  crumbles. This truth has been demonstrated, recurring time and time again throughout recorded history. The African Slave Trade most notably aided in the systematic destruction of the family unit, and we as the Black Community are still reeling from the effects of that trauma.

This past week, the topic of marriage kept popping up on my Facebook timeline, more specifically: Who should be the one to ask? Pictures of kneeling women, ring box open, smiling excitedly at their loved one with the caption “Ladies would you do this?” encouraged the candid flow of conversation, and it caused me to reflect on my own thoughts and beliefs. I view myself as the marrying type, I would love to get married in the very near future, yet I am not as traditional as I once was. So to the caption I wholeheartedly replied, “Damn right I would!” And I seem to be in the growing minority.

The majority of women and men that added to the conversation denounced such forward thinking, citing a concern for the man’s masculinity and the resulting emasculation of the role reversal, the imbalance and takeover of power her actions will cause, and the snub to biblical principles. Reading through the comments, I realized that this discussion goes much deeper than who should ask first. It begins at our acceptance and legalistic approach to gender roles, and the socially generated ideals of masculinity and femininity.

The responses reinforced that women still want be chased, we are the prize at the end of the race, the medal our man gets to wear on his puffed out chest as a job well done; he pursued, we flitted by, he chased, we gave in, he asked, we accepted, hashtag winning! It was also made clear that the male spirit was indeed a lot more fragile than I had initially thought, so much so that if proposed to, his masculinity and role as the head of the household is questioned and placed under scrutiny by his internal dialogue and the surrounding community. Let the man play his role they said, his knees were made for bending. So what of the woman’s role? Well, we were made for waiting, we need to wait until our man is ready, and if we should get to that place of readiness before him, then find a comfortable position in which to wait. One such woman waited 14 years before she realized he was not asking, so she asked him… and he said yes. I’m still stuck on the 14 years!

In stark contrast, as a woman, I don’t view myself as someone to be chased. Men, if you feel you have to chase me, it’s because I’m genuinely not interested. I am neither a prize to be won, nor a lady in waiting. I shouldn’t have to resign myself to waiting for him to be ready—in my opinion we should both be ready. I’m 31 years old, what business do I have being in a relationship with a man that is not ready? If I am in a committed relationship, and we both verbally and emotionally agree that marriage is the desire, it shouldn’t matter who asks first, because the asking is not the end goal, rather the lifelong commitment that marriage signifies. Apparently, it does matter, because the struggle for power is real.

Ok, maybe I’m overreaching, as my sister said, and has been echoed by both sides. There is something special that occurs when a man humbles himself, and makes the necessary step to choose the object of his pursued efforts as his Queen. And I get that, and it’s beautiful, so my question is: Why can’t the same specialness be afforded to the woman? Is it because it’s easier for women to commit, so it’s more meaningful when a man does? It was stated that men would question a woman’s motives, he would feel “dragged to the altar”, and have second thoughts on if she really is “the one”, going as far as to question if he could have done better. Really? All of that?

According to Tasha, a love coach who has appeared on VH1’s Secrets of Aspen, when a woman proposes to a man, she castrates him. “When you take the proposal away [from the man], you cut off their ability to make you [the woman] the happiest you could be.” She removes his testicles. His expression of love makes her the happiest she could be. Her Expression of love removes his testicles. I’m just going to leave that right there.

My second best friend Wikipedia, tells me that gender roles are a theoretical construct involving a set of social and behavioural norms that, within a specific culture, are widely considered to be socially appropriate for individuals of a specific sex. The perception of gender roles includes attitudes, actions, and personality traits associated with a particular gender within that culture.

Oh societal influence, there you go again sticking your nose and other parts where it doesn’t belong. We shouldn’t have to turn to society to be told how to be a man, or how to be a woman, that’s knowledge we have in our souls, and in our spirits—our elders, faith, and beliefs should enhance the knowledge we already carry, not replace, and distort. We’ve gotten so used to listening to others, our own internal voice has become weaker, and the outside, unnatural versions of our beings become louder.

I am all for men using grandiose efforts to demonstrate their love and request for commitment from their mate. I am also for women doing the same, why? Simply put, love is love, commitment is commitment. Men and women have natural innate manifestations of their differences, but I view none as more powerful than the other, the contributions that each of us bring to the relationship is equal and equally valued.

Whoever chooses to go out and work, the effort is as valuable as the one that chooses to stay home and take care of the family. Whoever chooses to cook and clean indoors puts in the same effort as the one that chooses to mow the lawn and shovel the snow. As a matter of fact, I’m all for paying a young member of the community to do the lawn and snow, let’s bring that back, but I digress. We put in the same efforts in different ways, and sometimes in the same ways. I often say, “It’s not always what you do, it’s why you do what you do.” I’m not tossing tradition, and traditional gender roles into the fire, I’m tossing the bondage found in the mindset that still lingers.

Women you are strong, you were created that way, and you can take a no—you’ve been taking no’s for generations. If you ask and he says no, he isn’t ready for you, now you know you can move on and be found by a man who is. Men you are strong, your strength is also found in your ability to be vulnerable and receive her expression of love. If you love her, say yes, if you are worried she will use that against you, and steal your perceived powerful “pants”, she is immature and you shouldn’t be with her anyway.

It’s interesting the reaction from some women when told they are more than their societal gender roles. They don’t like to be told that. Well, Women, you are more than your societal gender roles. Men, you are too.

L. Ardor is a writer who believes that everything in life stems from love. Her mission is to spread her philosophy to all brave enough to embrace. You can find Ms. Ardor on twitter: @LaLaArdor.