When Consensual Sexual Violence Is No Longer Safe

By Amirah
Pride Sex Columnist

I remember when he hit me. It was a hard slap across my face that left a bright red mark on my cheek. I was stunned, I was shocked, and I momentarily lost my breath. I cried as the sadness overwhelmed me, and as the tears rolled down my face the only thing I could say was, “Don’t stop baby;” the only thing I could do was pull him closer to me as he plunged deeper into my safety.

We were having sex—consensually rough sex bordering on violent. Yet this slap wasn’t like the numerous times he had wrapped his hands around my neck, or the rough slaps he placed on my bottom when the mood called for it. I enjoy bondage, and I thoroughly enjoy the rough talk that ensues, yet this slap felt real, it felt violent.

I remember the thoughts that immediately followed: “What the hell did I do?” I had the control over my body, I had given him the consent to slap me, hell, I even requested it! “I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like when a man slapped me.”

“Amirah are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Yes baby, I’m sure”.

Now I found myself questioning if I had opened up a big can of whoop ass worms. Did I open the door to latent abusive tendencies that will evolve out of the boundaries of sex? Will he now feel comfortable to haul off and slap me when I refuse to make him stew-peas and beef? As I searched for studies and articles that reassured me that consensual sexual violence isn’t a gateway drug to domestic abuse, I knew I had to go back to the source.

I sat my lover down, and had an open honest dialogue with him. The slap did not turn me on, I did not enjoy it, it scared me—it scarred me, and it added a new kink (not the good kind) to the natural evolution of our relationship. Strangely, it did not bother me that it turned him on, and that he enjoyed it very much, those aspects simply did not matter to me. The fact was he no longer had my consent, my physical and emotional body no longer felt safe, so it had to stop.

Not everyone likes to admit that CSV turns them on, and I get that. People do not like talking about sex. A man putting his penis into a woman’s vagina for pleasure is still a very taboo topic, so many do not want to admit they like sexual acts to hurt real good. The result is women and men feeling stuck in situations that are no longer consensual, and are no longer safe. Rape and sexual assault are constant occurrences, because “no” has become a non-word.

Consensual sexual violence is only consensual and sexy when both parties express clear consent. There has to be a level of safety that is not breeched; apart from your safe word, there must be other safe guards in place to protect yourself and if need be your partner. Talk about it, clearly. Express in detail what turns you on, and what turns you off, and when the boundaries are breeched be vocal about it; stop if necessary, or invoke your safe word and slow down.

A lesson I learned from an ex that remains very valuable to me continues to remind me that as a woman, I allow my lover to penetrate me, I have the power and the strength to allow or disallow what it is that I want. The same can be said for a man as well, you allow what it is that you want to receive. There is power in your no.

There is power in your no. There is power in your yes. I am still repairing that not-so-sexy-kink in the sexual relationship with my lover. My body still flinches when he raises his hand to stroke my face during sexual intimacy. He understands this, and is doing the work to reassure me that my consent has power, and our sexual intimacy is only worthy when both of us are enjoying the experience.

Have questions or problems regarding your sex life? Amirah can help you with answers. Your name and information will not be published. Amirah welcomes your feedback! Send your comments or questions to: amirah@pridenews.ca. Follow her on Twitter: @I_amAmirah.