The Non-Monogamists Right To Love

By L. Ardor
Pride Columnist

If you ask most women and men what kind of mate they desire for a long-term relationship, their list would include traits of the widely sought after “Real Man or Real Woman” we continue to glorify with the making of memes. At the top of that list, and probably written in bold letters would be “Faithfulness,” a requirement and subsequent deal breaker for most committed relationships.

Open any magazine or internet link, and there will be a plethora of articles or quizzes to help you determine if your mate has the “faithful” trait we desire. Unfortunately the majority of us have been burned by the less desirable; we all have stories of relationships ending because of unfaithfulness, the betrayal we experienced, and scars that are still healing.

Those who are a little more honest will admit to being the ones that have cheated, betrayed their loved ones, and to causing the scars. To some it was a lesson, to some it was lesson on how not to get caught, and to many it started a cycle too ugly to turn away from.

As a society we are obsessed with those that cheat. We equated such decisions to the worth of beauty, questioned the prowess of the betrayed in bed, and debated if the love confessed was even real. We do not like to hear that cheating has nothing to do with beauty, sex, or love—it messes with the social order of things. Well, cheating has nothing to do with beauty, sex, or love. Delving into why men or woman cheat is another topic for discussion so let’s mark that one: “To be continued.”

Monogamy, and the ability to be such, has become a great indication of how far in sophistication and order we, as the human race have come. Looking briefly at the history of the theory and application of monogamy, whether it be social, sexual or marital, clearly monogamy is an evolutionary result; humans began exclusively pair bonding for money, land, security, and importantly the success of raising offspring.

A Tony Gaskins meme I saw recently inspirationally reminded me that being faithful is a sign of maturity: “In my opinion, a man hasn’t passed the true test of manhood until he develops the self-control to be faithful to one woman. Any male can cheat, but only real men have what it takes to be faithful.” This quote can be directed to women as well, only real women have what it takes to be faithful.

As it follows the trend, when evolution meets a superiority complex and the struggle for power, culture, along with norms and mores determines what is normal, going as far to declare what is also natural and innate, that is not necessarily bad in itself; after all, we do need to live in a functioning society with laws and a moral code. However, it becomes dysfunctional when societal and cultural norms become the template of what’s right and the only currency of moral value.

Monogamous relationships are a social and cultural evolutionary construct. It is not about right or wrong, it is about a conscious decision, contract, agreement, between two people. Society doing what it does best, in telling you what to do, and what to believe, leads you away from the important part of that sentence, “a conscious decision between two people.”

I’m not disagreeing with the internet favourite Tony Gaskins; a true sign of one’s maturity is in one’s personal evolution, and the ability to make conscious decisions in deciding what is best for his or her life, and by sticking to it. I am also not agreeing with him, because a real man or a real woman’s maturity is not demonstrated by their ability to develop the self-control to be faithful; it is demonstrated by their ability to keep their word, if they choose to give it to begin with.

When two people decide to mate and pair exclusively, and one breaks that contract be it verbal or written, it is wrong, it is a sign of immaturity, and dishonour to all involved. Being non-monogamous, and living that lifestyle alone is not wrong. It all boils down to simply having the conversation. Oh, how many of our problems would be solved by simply having conversations.

If you are not a pair bonder, do not pair bond. If you do not want to stick around and take care of the children you create in the midst of a pair bond, do not pair bond. If your mate tells you, or exhibits the signs that they are a cheater, do not pair bond. Do not believe your love will save them, do not believe your beauty, whether physical or in personality, is captivating enough. Do not believe your sex will stun their nature into submission, because it won’t.

People evolve when they are ready to do so. Can a serial cheater become monogamous? Yes! When they are ready to do so. We like to say it will happen when they find the right mate, and although that is true, it can happen at any time, because people evolve when they are ready.

I am not advocating that we start free loving all over Toronto, and I am not advocating on the side of cheaters, as I too have been burnt, and the scars are bumpy and raised.

I am advocating that we have these conversations, and that we change our conversations surrounding relationships, monogamy and the way we allow ourselves to love. You have the right to determine what love, commitment, and relationship looks like to you, and you have the right to love that.

L. Ardor is a writer who believes that everything in life stems from love. Her mission is to spread her philosophy to all brave enough to embrace. You can find Ms. Ardor on twitter: @LaLaArdor.