Pride Sex Columnist
At what point in your relationship do you stop having sex regularly? Is it when the honeymoon phase is over? Hot, sweaty, I can’t wait to be inside you sex meanders into once per week, don’t mess up my hair because tomorrow is church sex.
Is it when you stop caring about the sexy lingerie, and you start wearing the ugly hair bonnet to bed? Or is it when you start finding 101 reasons to not have 60 minutes of your life humped away?
What about you men? When do you stop jumping her bones, and start going to bed later than normal? At what point in your relationship do you start giving non-verbal cues that you just don’t want to have sex? More importantly: why?
Not many men will admit that at times they just don’t want to have sex. In a society that not only praises the male mind for thinking about sex practically every minute of every day, but also encourages it, in what safe space can a man admit that he’s just not feeling it? Or more horrifyingly, that he’s just not feeling it with you.
There are many reasons why he may turn you down for sex; men after all are a lot like women, fickle. I have compiled a list of six reasons why he may say no to your cookies, take your notes, but keep your cut-eyes to a minimum.
1. The Stress of Life Has Gotten to Him
As much as we do not want to admit it, love in all its life giving, life changing forces, does not make us invincible to the stress of life. Our sex drive can be severely impacted by the everyday wear and tear on our mental, emotional and physical beings, especially if we have not developed a beneficial coping mechanism. While some like to run to the soothing energy of renewal found in love making, others do stay away from it. Stress is a depleting energy and if not handled correctly, will ruin many things including your relationship.
2. The Nagging Has Gotten to Him
It happens. The quest for material wealth, honey do lists, and family time management becomes more important than remembering that no one, absolutely no one likes to be nagged. Our expectations become louder than our reality. Who wants to spend time making love, sweet love to someone that has spent the last 12 hours nagging and telling them what they do wrong? This is where I raise my hand and say, “Not me!” There are other ways to effectively communicate—nagging, and being a pain in the ass is not one of them.
3. He’s Being Unfaithful
Is this the reason you’ve been scanning down the page to read? Well, here it is. If your man has not sexed you down, and your cookies are getting stale, there is a very good chance that he is sexing someone else down. Sex with a new mate is like discovering a new favourite cookie; you want to eat it all the time (no pun intended). [Great] sex is exhausting, and most men do not have what it takes to lie on a consistent basis, and satisfy two women regularly, at “the same time”. Do not rule out an emotional affair either, those are just as exhausting, potent, and dangerous as if he were getting her cookies.
4. Shame and Embarrassment
Erectile Dysfunction (ED), also known as impotence, is the dust many men tend to sweep under the rug. Defined as being unable to achieve or maintain an erection, the causes of ED are numerous ranging from medical and physical causes; heart disease, obesity, low testosterone, tobacco use, and diabetes. ED has psychological causes as well, such as depression, the aforementioned stress, and other mental health issues. This is a sensitive issue among men, and should be approached and held with the utmost care. There are also medications on the market as well as healthier natural options to address this issue, and the first step is to talk about it.
5. Lack of Mental, Emotional Stimulation and Intimacy
Men are exactly like women in more ways than they would like to admit. Think about when you have felt loved, wanted and needed the most. Yes, the penis is great, and so is connecting over an in depth, intellectual conversation. I feel sexiest not when we are sexually connecting, rather when he maintains contact with me throughout the day—the good morning calls or texts, the little random conversations we engage in during the day, and the simple way he holds my hand and kisses my fingers when we’re out for dinner. Men yearn for and want the same type of attention, and some men lose sexual interest when the mental, emotional, and non-sexual intimacy are lacking.
6. His Love is Shallow and Based Primarily on Physical Appearance
Sad but true. Many men still approach sex like a conquest, and love as a way to get there faster. They are in love with your body, your curves, and the erection that the sight of your body gives to them. Their compliments tend to be strictly physical, and they have yet to meet, hug and caress your heart or your spirit. When your body changes and flows with your lifestyle of family and kids, the, “you’re so damn sexy” compliments become less frequent, along with the sex, and the butt groping.
Is there an easy fix for these six realities? No, there’s not. However, a great place to start is communication. Talk about it, talk about everything. Raise your voice and voice your concerns. Life is too short for mediocre, bad, lazy, shallow, unfulfilling once per week sex.
If you have been seeing these manifesting in your sex life, create a safe space to discuss these issues; talk to a professional about ways to properly manage stress, stop nagging, talk to him about your suspicions of his [in]fidelity, see a doctor or naturopath about ED. Stroke his mind, and his heart, and then stroke his penis, and if needed, kick his shallow butt to the curb, because your spirit is even more beautiful than your body, then and now.
The most important thing in all of this is to talk. A lot of issues in our relationships can be solved if we just talked…and had more sex.
Do you have questions or problems regarding your sex life? Amirah can help you with answers. Your name and information will not be published. Amirah welcomes your feedback! Send your comments or questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Twitter: @I_amAmirah.