Is Trust An Issue In Your Relationship?

By Sandy Daley

Henry L. Stimson very eloquently wrote, “The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way you can make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him.” Very, very wise words indeed! Do you wholeheartedly trust the people closest to you? Do you trust your mate? Is trust a “deal breaker” for you in a relationship? If not, it should be; as without trust, you truly have nothing at all!

I am aware that trust, as many say, is a privilege that is earned and not given right away. However, it is my belief that trust should be an automatic element in any relationship – especially between a man and a woman. In my opinion, it should be something that the other person in that relationship has to break on their own, in order for there to be a lack of trust. In other words, my commitment and faith in my partner is something that should be the main component in my relationship; or I would not, should not and cannot be in said relationship in the first place. Why should I be Olivia Pope (a character from the popular TV show, Scandal), without the fans, TV show and millions of dollars in my pocket? Life is stressful enough!

Of course, every situation is different and each person has to make the decision which best suits them. However, it is safe to say that without trust, your relationship is in a very bad state and perhaps will not stand the test of time. Now the question then becomes, “Should I stay or should I go Sandy?” Now that is when you must “put on your big girl panties” as they say, take the bull by the horn and make a decision for yourself; something that you can live with. What is good for you does not mean that it is good for me, and my “deal breakers” are not your own; so you, therefore, must make a decision that you are content with.

“But Sandy, I know what you are trying to say, but mi tiad fi Donovan cheat pon me,” my friend Julie once confided to me.

“I mean, I really want to believe him when he says that he will never do it again, but how can I trust him that he is telling the truth this time,” she added.

Very softly I replied, “Julie you know what the right thing is in this situation. You have to understand that each time he cheats on you, whether you find out or not, he is truly showing you that he does not respect you nor your relationship. Ask yourself how it makes you feel each time that you find out about his secret affairs, and what would you tell your daughter if this was happening to her?”

Sadly, Donovan’s extramarital affairs gravely affected Julie’s self-esteem, and the woman that stood in front of me was not the woman that I knew from the past. Julie used to be a vibrant, outgoing, witty and attractive woman, who had now been reduced to a self-doubting, procrastinating, “I don’t know what to do with myself now if he is cheating again” creature. She was now constantly checking Donovan’s phone, his pockets, his credit card receipts, his shirt collars, his emails, and everything and anything that she could in order to “ketch him”, which of course decreased her quality of life. The amount of time that she spent on her “ketching Donovan” quest, she was also taking quality time away from herself and her children.

Being a secret agent or private investigator in your relationship should not be something to aspire to!

The fact remains, if you find yourself constantly at odds with your partner’s trustworthiness, maybe it is time for you to leave the relationship. Trust is something that should not be bargained with, played with, compromised or even looked on as something to chip away at. Without trust in any relationship, whether it be an intimate one or with your girlfriends, we are like empty vessels, on a very, very long trip to nowhere, only spending our free time checking their phones or begging for affirmation that they wish to be with us.

Why should you give someone so much power over you? Take the power and control back into your own hands, and find the guts to walk, or choose to be content in the situation that you are in. But first, you must learn to trust yourself that whatever decision that you make is the right one for you, and you alone. Trust, my friends, first begins with you.

Sandy Daley is a columnist, radio and television personality and actress. She is also the author of “Whose Vagina Is It, Really?” She can be contacted at: Website: www.sandydaley.com, Facebook: womanincontrol@facebook.com, Twitter: twitter.com/whosevaginaisit and/or Email:thesinglegirlspot@gmail.com.