By Dr. Peter Sealy
What’s wrong with the Black men? Why are some of them treating their women so badly?
It may be disheartening to know, that some Black men treat their women, as if they are not equal to them. They fail to see the challenges that Black women have to face.
Black women appear to be left out of the equation at times by the Black man. Some Black men tend to treat Black women, as if they are invisible. Sometimes Black women go into spaces and some Black men pretend that they do not even exist.
It is not a figment of Black women’s imagination, that they are treated as if they are invisible by some Black men. Some Black women are trying to put themselves out there, as we say, in a manner of speaking.
However, it appears that they are ignored. Both Black men and Black women have to get to know each other better. To do this, they have to engage in decent conversation about various subjects, which are pertinent to a healthy relationship.
As it stands now, I don’t think that a lot of Black men and Black women are engaging with each other enough. When we don’t acknowledge each other, how can we have real friendships and connections?
What’s wrong with some Black men engaging in polygamous relationships? Is it because nobody is filling up their cup to the brim? This makes little sense to me and can drive Black women out of their minds.
I have never met a Black woman, who looks into the mirror and says: “mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the best mistress of them all”. That would be so self-esteem lowering for a Black woman to do. Black women don’t want to be a stand-by love. Neither should the Black woman make a man a priority, when he only treats her as an option. You cannot ask a Black woman to stand by her man, when she doesn’t even know whose man he is.
The Black man, who thinks that the Black woman is going to put up with his fooling around, may be fooling himself. “Brethren, she can’t do dat yuh hear”. Most Black women are not putting up with the foolishness any longer. They are saying good riddance to bad rubbish.
Black men have to be more giving of the self and show their vulnerabilities. For example, “I feel that this is not going well for me.” What is wrong with expressing oneself in this manner at times? Share more of yourself, Black men. If you are struggling with sharing, ask someone to help you, or simply just say a kind word to your woman.
Some Black men don’t give Black women basic courtesy and respect, which makes little sense to me. Black men have to consider Black women as dateable and show respect, caring and humaneness. I do not think that this is unreasonable in any way, to ask of the Black man.
Black men should understand and expect Black women, to first try to make sense of what kind of person they are, and maintain standards. Don’t expect a Black woman to date just any Black man. There are some Black men who want to make-out but not date. Well, Black women aren’t fools and they have self-respect.
Black women are tired of the Black man, who brags that he knows every celebrity alive. You know, the brother who has that class thing about him. The Black woman may have to tell him, that if he doesn’t stop bragging about who he knows and cannot stop talking about his six figure income it will be problematic.
Did I hear someone say, drop him like a hot potato, if he feels that he is doing you a big favour by talking to you? The relationship is not going to grow, if one person thinks that he/she is better than the other person.
There is also the Black man, who doesn’t focus on the Black woman, but rather tries to talk over her head. Try to connect “brothers” not disconnect. Knowledge is good, but there must be humility of knowing. Maybe the Black man should find someone else, if he is going to talk over his woman’s head. It is not nourishing for a Black woman or even has the capacity to build her up, when the Black man is on a different page from her. Still, there should be no mistaking, the intelligence and beauty of the Black woman.
What’s up with the casualness of the relationship? Black women have to draw the line for themselves. It likely would not feel good for a Black woman, to know that she is dating a Black man, who wants to drop in whenever he feels like it. Black women want to feel at peace with themselves and not ashamed of themselves.
It can be very unsettling for a Black woman, when a man is too ashamed to take her out. You know, the man that likes all of the action behind closed doors. You tell that man, he is not going to melt, if he steps outside with you.
How about the Black man, who pushes quickly to engage in sexual relations and then later tells the Black woman, the relationship is moving too fast? Or after he engages in sexual relations, suddenly finds everything in the world that is wrong with you to justify his exit. Black women are not some type of jolly ride and should be taken seriously in relationships.
Why can’t Black men and Black women connect with each other? Connection has to flow both ways, not only one way. People are looking for a certain look or something. Black women have to go into the circles where they can feel respected.
Cynthia says that she attended an event, two weeks ago, and there were many Black men around. However, not even one of these Black men showed any interest in her.
“I was putting myself out there in a nice way,” said Cynthia. “You know, making eye contact and smiling. But it meant little to these Black men.”
Mary’s experience is somewhat different from Cynthia’s. There is a rich, well-known, older man, who is showing only sexual interest in Mary. However, Mary is rejecting his persistent advances.
Why are you saying no to the rich man, her friends asked?
I want to go out with someone, who I have something in common with, Mary replied. I am looking for real love continued Mary.
“Just to have a few more gifts, I must compromise myself and my values? I do not think so,” said Mary to her girlfriends.
Mary said, that her girlfriends’ reaction was swift, calling her crazy for rejecting a rich man. Mary told them that she is crazy to have friends like them.
Arlene, like all the other pseudonyms used in this article, said that she is dating a man who would not share anything about himself. But if she brings up the topic of cars, he cannot stop talking. What’s up with that? asked Arlene.
Well Arlene, there is nothing up about that, rather it is a downer. How are we going to have a real conversation? asked Arlene.
Finally, the Black woman meets a Black man, but when she asks him a simple question about himself, he begins to plead the fifth. In other words, he is not going to answer the question.
How is a Black woman going to make a connection with a Black man, if he is not speaking from a real place? How is she supposed to bond with a Black man, if she doesn’t know anything about him? Don’t some Black men care about making a real connection?
Sometimes Black women are simply trying to discover what makes the Black man tick, as we say in the vernacular. To know how they arrived at the place where they are at now, and what life has been like for them. You know, to share about the real things that makes them happy or angry. But this at times, can feel like pulling teeth for the Black woman.
Some Black men want a relationship but are not willing to plant some kind of seed. Sometimes, the genuine liking and caring for the Black woman is not there.
Black women should never let loneliness or the pain of being alone, push them into unhealthy relationships. Don’t allow yourself, to be further disrespected and insulted, by jumping back into a relationship, where you have been treated terribly.
Find someone you can talk to and don’t keep your pain bottled up inside of you, for this can be a recipe for anxiety, depression and self-harmful behaviours. Bottled up pain, from the hurt you have suffered in a relationship, can also fuel the anger that drives vindictiveness. Never stay in that dark place of anger, hurt and revenge.
You need to move on with your life and be healthy for yourself and for your children, if you have any. Remember, to always look for unhealthy signs and patterns in a relationship and listen to your inner voice.
We have to teach and model to our Black boys and girls, about healthy relationships and respect, or else they will grow up to normalize unhealthy relationships.
The Black man must respect and understand that the Black woman should have a difference of opinion. Don’t expect her to see things only the way you see them, in order for her to wear your crown.
Finding a decent man, racism and the faulty stereotypes of having an attitude, and being a superwoman are some of the myriad of challenges Black women face. With the many challenges that Black women face, they have to be mindful to take care of their mental health. The same goes for Black men in regards to mental health.
Look brethren, we don’t want the sister to wave the white flag of surrender, and tear away from the ancestral bond. Black men will have to do better in relating to Black women.
My sincere wish is that both Black men and Black women will one day find the thread that binds.