By Yvonne Sam
Social and Political Commentator
Permit me to preface all that I am about to say, herein, by reassuring all readers that I am in no way a prude, axe grinder, or bible-toter, trying my level best to thrust my religious agenda down anyone’s gullet.
My main intent is to present what I believe is the primary contributor to the breakdown of the family unit — SEX.
“Sisters” converse with me, regularly, about how useless and irresponsible many men have become today. While such a statement and finding may contain elements of truth, nevertheless what women fail to grasp, or come to terms with, is the crucial role that they are playing in bringing about their own disgruntlement.
Yes, take it or leave it, rather than swish and swallow it, but females have made causal sex far too readily available in our society, in so much, that men no longer have to become real men in order to obtain it.
As a consequence of such behavior, males have no incentive to become responsible adults or father figures. That is why we see grown men still living at home, with their mothers, and hanging out at street corners with sideways-tilted baseball caps. Such a display does not contribute to being a good role model or a father figure, but again, unlike in the past, they do not have to be.
In the past, things were entirely different. As a rule, for our grandparents to obtain sex during their generation, they had to first prove their manhood, jump through a series of hoops, and wine and dine our grandmothers, for months and even years — and in the majority of cases, they even had to marry them first.
Nowadays, all a young man has to do is, walk into a club with enough pocket change to buy a drink or two. That gives him no incentive whatsoever, to become a responsible adult, and all the incentive in the world, to continue hanging out in the clubs instead of focusing on what’s going on around him and becoming a man.
Another manner in which the sexual mores and practices of our society is hurting women is that, even among males who are responsible and looking forward to starting a family, they have stated how increasingly difficult it is to find the kind of female, whom they feel comfortable about starting a family with.
The crux of the problem lies in the age-old fact that women do not understand men, and the reverse also holds true. Such a conclusion may be the underlying reason why most men and women can only relate to one another on a sexual level.
For example, men are of the belief that women are impressed by what they think is “cool,” and on the other hand, women think that men are impressed by what a woman finds impressive in a man — swagger, confidence, and assertiveness.
Sadly, both are wrong.
Paradoxically, men do not consider swagger and assertiveness attractive in a woman at all. Such displayed qualities boil down to aggressiveness, and that is a male characteristic, so why would a man find a woman, who acts like a man, attractive?
Do women find men, who act like women, attractive? Not really. Thus the very same thing holds true in the reverse.
Men and women have different needs. In so many cases, when men and women try to impress one another, they either turn each other off, or make fools of themselves. There are cases, where some females believes that they can attract males by acting sensuous, sexually-provocative and assertive. Yes, they can, but only to play a particular role.
When a man decides to marry, he will generally choose a wife from his secret male-mental category — one who he does not have to worry about, when it comes to such things as cheating, beating or fleeting etc.
Incidentally, and let this stand for the record, men will die to protect their manhood. Absolutely nothing is considered more important, and there is no greater assault on a man’s manhood than a cheating female.
A quote from William Congreve, the English playwright, states thus: Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. The missing line is as follow: Neither earth no wrath like a man horned.
So speaking from a politically correct angle, the females that men like to party and have fun with, are not the women that they choose for a wife, because even though he may like them, they are seen as being much too casual in their sexuality.
So when a woman starts talking sex to a man, or tries to be overly sexy, she is certainly not doing herself any favour, but instead, ringing the dinner bell that ultimately brings out the predator in a man.
Permit me to strongly point out that I am in no way advocating any position on the issue. Note that this article’s title is a question, not an assertion. My primary intent is to provide females with insight as to how the majority of men think.
While there are many women who may consider what I have written here old-fashioned, men have assessed women in the same way, since the beginning of time and across cultural boundaries, and it is highly unlikely to change anytime soon.
However, the problem with truth, and the main reason why so many people object to it is, that it does not always conform to either ideology or fashion. It simply is what it is. Efficient thought requires that truth be given priority over ideology. Far too often we try to give ideology priority over truth. Then when truth comes into conflict with our ideology, we try to shape the truth to fit, more comfortably, into what we want to believe. Unfortunately, that’s what many women do when it comes to the subject of sex.
The modern female’s mind-set makes casual sex much more available, and that is a major contributor to the dysfunction of the modern family structure. Women need to understand that regardless of what a man may say, men prefer women who are protective of their sexuality. For they will say anything, and take any position, that allows sex to be readily available.
So the bottom line is, the new female mind-set towards sex not only creates a disincentive for men to step up to the plate to become responsible husbands and fathers, but once they are husbands and fathers, the attitude of many women, outside of the marriage, creates constant pressure for men to cheat. Thus, the attitude of the modern women, regarding casual sex, often serves to create the very Hell that many women often complain about.
Ponder this for a moment: what motivation does a man have to limit his sex life and assume the responsibility of settling down with one woman, when he can have all the sex that he can handle — with multiple women — and without having to take on any responsibility at all?
Thus, a man’s attitude toward sex is very complex — while we love it being easily available, they do not want the women in their lives involved in contributing to the ease of availability.
In this regard, what is of prime importance for most women to remember is, that while the attitude of most women toward sex has changed, tremendously, over the years, men remain very old-fashion when it comes to their women. They must be, simply because the way a man’s woman carries herself is reflective of his manhood and, as afore-stated, that is very important to a man.
While I know this may sound somewhat old-school to contemporary women, with all of the sexual opportunities out there for your man, how you carry yourself may be the determinant on whether or not your man is willing to make that extra effort to be the kind of man you want him to be.
To all the women out there, I hope this message resonates loud and clear—on the issue of sex, change your liberal attitude, for there is no corresponding male gratitude.
Yvonne Sam, a retired Head Nurse and Secondary School Teacher, is Vice-president of the Guyana Cultural Association of Montreal. A regular columnist for over two decades with the Montreal Community Contact, her insightful and incursive articles on topics ranging from politics, human rights and immigration, to education and parenting have also appeared in the Huffington Post, Montreal Gazette, XPressbogg and Guyanese OnLine. She is also the recipient of the Governor General of Canada Caring Canadian Citizen Award.