By Dr. Mark Goulston
What would you do if you encountered a suicidal person? You may never have given this subject much thought, which is why we created Stay Alive, a new 75-minute video/podcast documentary, available on YouTube, serving at-risk populations and featuring suicide survivor, Kevin Hines, and suicide prevention advocate, Rayko.
In a time when mental illness, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), is at an all-time high, it’s more important than ever, to know what to do to calm down an at-risk person.
Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death, among teenagers in the United States, after accidents. The hope that we could help people find their way out of despair was the impetus for creating this film. Suicide prevention isn’t just about helping the person, who is afflicted. To really move the needle toward saving lives, we need to remove the societal stigma, surrounding suicide.
This process begins with helping the people, who care about at-risk individuals, gain understanding and offer support. The next step is helping society recognize the true struggles of those at risk. Misunderstanding and judgment only further isolate a person, who is suicidal. Instead, it’s time for more compassion. When everyone understands how much suffering is really going on, we have a real chance to reach out and save lives.
If someone in your life — or perhaps even a stranger — appears to be out of control and potentially self-destructive or dangerous, interventional empathy is a powerful tool. It’s a simple process I have been sharing with law enforcement officers, as a way to deescalate potentially-violent situations. But anyone can learn to practice interventional empathy, and it could help save someone’s life.
Here is a six-step process for showing interventional empathy if you, or someone you encounter, appears as if they may become violent or self-destructive:
Step 1: Say, “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” Saying this signals you, or others, to stop agitated behavior. It’s pretty primal. After all, this is the same thing you say to a horse when it rears up and is about to start galloping out of control.
Step 2: Say, “Shh…Shh…Shh…Shh…” This sound signals to quiet, not just people’s words, but their minds as well. It’s what our teachers did in elementary school, and it still works to quiet a noisy room.
Step 3: Ask, “What happened to you to get you so upset?” This is a way of validating that people have a reason to be upset, as opposed to telling them they’re wrong or to just “shut up!”
Step 4: Say, “Tell me more.” Saying this invites the person to share a story of events, leading to this confrontation. As they relate their story, they will feel listened to, understood, and will understand that you are validating the fact that something led to the current confrontation.
Step 5: Ask, “Is this why you’re acting the way you are?” This question connects what they say to how they are behaving and communicates that you understand that whatever they are doing, makes sense from their point of view. This further deepens your rapport. It also increases their oxytocin levels and decreases their levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, lowering their reactivity and agitation.
Step 6: Say, “A better thing to do right now would be to ______________.” Once the person relaxes, you can suggest an alternate behavior. By using “fill in the blank” language, you invite the person to help you come up with a better solution. This empathetic communication transforms their combativeness into communication and helps you both come up with a way out of the situation.
Why This Works
Empathy is a secret weapon for calming down agitated people. It works, because it literally disarms each part of a person’s brain in sequence, moving from their most primitive reptilian ‘fight or flight’ brain, through their mammalian emotional brain, and up into their human rational brain.
When someone is in trouble, they need the gift of empathy more than anything else. Luckily, we are all equipped to offer this to anyone, who needs it. And whether that person in need is you, your best friend, your child, or a stranger on the street, you can change a life — maybe even save a life — by showing that you care.
If you or someone you love needs help, call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or visit www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Dr. Mark Goulston is the co-creator and moderator of the suicide prevention documentary, Stay Alive. He is a former UCLA professor of psychiatry, FBI hostage negotiation trainer, suicide and violence prevention expert, and one of the world’s foremost experts on listening. He is the author of the best-selling “Just Listen”: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, which became the top book on listening in the world. Dr. Goulston’s HBR IdeaCast episode Become a Better Listener is ranked number one of all their podcasts. He is also host of the My Wakeup Call podcast. Dr. Goulston is on the Board of Advisors for HealthCorps and will be receiving the Dr. W. Mark Warfel Resilient Heart Award in April 2019. For more information, visit Dr. Goulston’s website at www.markgoulston.com.