It Is No Ruse; Men Are Also The Victims Of Domestic Abuse

By Yvonne Sam
Contributing Columnist

Permit me to address a matter that is somewhat controversial and one, which also runs the risk of being viewed as adversarial. Domestic violence against men remains a real phenomenon, and yet, in 2020, we remain retrograde about husband abuse, surrounded by the pervading stereotype about men being abusers, and women being the victims, especially in heterosexual relationships.

Many men, who get beaten, whipped, slapped around by their wives or girlfriends, and dare to divulge it, are still being doubted and ridiculed. In similar manner, as with many abused female victims, who fail to report incidents of abuse, because they are either ashamed or merely protecting their partners; the same holds true for heterosexual male victims of domestic assault.

It is still regarded as highly emasculating for a man to be bullied or terrorized by a violent woman, and not necessarily something most men would volunteer, over a beer, or dare to tell mama about.

It is no laughing matter, men can, and are, victims of domestic abuse. The truth be told, it is a deadly serious matter, that lies desperately in need of concerted action. Superimposed on this sad social issue, is the fact that men also suffer the second embarrassment and victimization of many — including the police-not believing them, or believing that they could not retaliate in some way, simply because after all, they are men.

The cold, hard truth is that men are never taken seriously, when they disclose that they are being abused. They are ignored, laughed at, shamed for not being masculine enough, or termed a wussy. After all, how could a man be abused by a woman?

When one hears about a female abusing a male partner, we subconsciously think, “That does not happen”. This stigma has been perpetuated for decades, and, in essence, is a product of the assumption that men are supposed to be stronger. www.researchgate.net/publication/328349381_Men_who_experience_domestic_abuse_a_service_perspective

Society operates on the assumption that women are not capable of harming others, and that all men are supposed to be strong, all the time. For men, the revelation of abuse is an embarrassing disclosure, and one that most men never, ever, make, preferring to dwell in silence as a victim.

While awareness of domestic abuse has led to shelters, services and myriad resources for women, few, if any, can be accessed by males, for they are less in number and not well-known or publicized.

Although domestic abuse is considered the dirty, little secret in many a household, male domestic abuse still remains the ugly reality in our midst. Sadly, we find it difficult to wrap our minds and thoughts around the male being the victim.

Ironically, where women are, in fact, the primary abusers in their relationships, they have men advocates to turn to. Male victims have reported that when they went looking, they were unable to find support services in the community. While there were many for women, the only available programs for men were for anger management. They felt re-victimized, by having the service organisations implying that they were not victims, but perpetrators.

In effect, males now find themselves in the same position battered women were in, back in the 70s, before the advent of any services. The idea of a silent population of stigmatized, abused husbands remains a fraught proposition. torontosun.com/2016/06/23/men-also-suffer-from-domestic-abuse/wcm/b634914f-6bfb-4118-a755-d4b0ca803b01

In 2019, three Canadian sociologists reported on previously-overlooked Statistics Canada data that basically disproves conventional wisdom on domestic violence, in particular, by showing that men and women are equally-likely to be victims, including of severe forms of violence.

The avant-garde article — “Prevalence and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence in Canada as Measured by the National Victimization Survey: Focus on Male Victims”, published in the journal, Partner Abuse — authors, Alexandra Lysova (Simon Fraser University), Donald Dutton (University of British Colombia) and Emeka Dim (University of Saskatchewan) report conclusions, based on the 2014 Canadian General Social Survey, that, in many cases, challenge traditional perceptions of domestic violence. www.researchgate.net/publication/332917590_Prevalence_and_Consequences_of
_Intimate_Partner_Violence_in_Canada_as_Measured_by_the_National_Victimization_Survey

Canada, with 627 shelters for abused women, has done an excellent job of creating, both systems and services, geared to serve abused women and children. At a press conference in 2019, Justin Trottier, Executive Director of the Canadian Association for Equality, (CAFÉ), a charity that works with male victims, stated: “We strongly support the intervention programs and victim-support services that have been built for women, over the years, however, at the same time, men also suffer severe abuse, with serious consequences for them and their children. It is appropriate that some resources be focused on that population.” www.einnews.com/pr_news/482182139/male-victims-of-domestic-violence-suffer-severe-effects-canadian-study-reports.

According to Trottier, his organization receives calls from over 400 men, each year, desperately seeking a safe haven and counselling. CAFE has been successful in receiving federal funds for a research project. www.barbarakay.ca/articles/view/1398

The manner, in which male victims are viewed, with scrutiny, by agencies, in the rare event that they do actually report the abuse, calls into play, the question: are these the standards in which we want our young males to grow, that they should allow someone to abuse them, because it’s “embarrassing” to report it? Young boys are taught, not to express their emotions, but to “suck it up” and “be a man.

Although domestic abuse is considered the dirty, little secret in many a household, male domestic abuse still remains the ugly reality in our midst. Sadly, we find it difficult to wrap our minds and thoughts around the male being the victim.

As a society, it is imperative that we all unite on this issue, and work to remove the stigma. It will require considerable effort to undo such a deep-rooted and powerful stigma, but with the right focus and empathy, it can be done.

Though not a high political priority, the stigma around male domestic abuse must end. Abused men need to be taken as seriously as women. Let us begin to turn the tide.

Yvonne Sam, a retired Head Nurse and Secondary School Teacher, is the Public Relations Officer of the Guyana Cultural Association of Montreal. A regular columnist for over two decades with the Montreal Community Contact, her insightful and incursive articles on topics ranging from politics, human rights and immigration, to education and parenting have also appeared in the Huffington Post, Montreal Gazette, XPressbogg and Guyanese OnLine. She is also the recipient of the Governor General of Canada Caring Canadian Citizen Award.