Black Women And Domestic Violence

By Dr. Peter Sealy
PRIDE Guest Columnist

Domestic violence against Black women is not often talked about in the Black community. Imagine living with someone for whom you have affection, and being afraid of their behaviour.  Domestic violence occurs among people of all cultural backgrounds and economic levels. Being abused is wrong and Black women deserve better.

Black women in a close relationship with another person who uses control, manipulation and domination against them are experiencing domestic violence. The abuser will stop at nothing to control and dominate them, in this normally close or intimate relationship. He will use put-downs, blame, fear and threats to hurt them or others with whom they are acquainted.

Besides the physical violence of domestic abuse there is also emotional abuse.  So just because a Black woman is not being physically beaten up, it doesn’t mean that she is not being abused. The abuser will carry out emotional abuse to destroy her self-esteem.  Emotional abuse is meant to break her down physically and emotionally bit by bit. With her energy and self-worth now gone for the most part; depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts can become a reality.

When the Black woman feels that she cannot do without her abuser, likely she is suffering from emotional abuse. In emotional abuse, the abuser will use hurtful words consistent with verbal abuse.  The abuser will embarrass and try to control her along with threats of bodily harm, if she  does not comply with his wishes.

Doreen is a Black woman who is scared of her husband. She spends most of her time trying to please him. To avoid making him upset, she chooses what she says carefully. He blames her for his abusive behaviour, saying that it is her fault, and dismisses her feelings. She thought for a while that she was doing something wrong and that was the reason for her abuse.  Doreen was told that she was stupid so often, that she actually believed it.

Throughout the abuse, Doreen started to question if she was the one who had really lost her mind. Her husband would always find fault of her and shout at her frequently. She stayed isolated in the home, because every time she wanted to go out, it became a big problem.  She could never do anything right for this man. She was often forced to have sex, and he would call her several times a day to check up on her. He took her to work and picked her up from work as a form of control, and not because of love. Sometimes he would even encourage her not to go to work.

Doreen’s husband did his best to convince her that her family and friends were no good, and he was the only one that cared about her. He would also threaten to kill her and himself if she ever left him.

Any Black woman, who is experiencing Doreen’s treatment, should seek help and never suffer in silence. She deserves to be treated with respect and be valued.  She may find that her good days with the abuser are when she is pleasing him. But this doesn’t make him a changed or good person. It means that she has given up her voice and become passive, no longer challenging him.

There are some Black women who are living in abusive relationships, and are finding it hard to break free. The Black woman living in an abusive relationship, can feel as if she is having a fight between her heart and her mind. Her heart tells her one thing, while her mind tells her another. Friends will tell her that she has to leave the relationship, for her own mental health and physical safety. But far too many Black women say, “It is not that easy to just leave”, so they remain living with the abuser.

Many abused Black women say that they do not know why they put up with their abuser. Although the abuser treats them badly, they just seem to stay in the relationship against their better judgment.

Some Black women are dealing with abandonment issues caused by a father who was not there for them. So they may be trying consciously or unconsciously to fill that void. But they are simply filling the void with the wrong person. As time goes by, the Black woman will find out all sorts of things about her abuser. Whenever she would like to leave, fear sets in telling her that she cannot do it on her own, but this is not true.

In fact many Black women are already doing everything for themselves although the abusive person is around. Part of the problem is that the abuser knows the woman, and makes her feel that everything is going to be okay. But that is one of the many lies of the master manipulator.

There may be times when the abuser will stay out late, or even not come home. However, it is a big problem whenever she wants to go out with her friends, if she has any left.

Normally, the abuser will do his best to keep the woman away from her friends and family members. Keeping her away from them is an opportunity for her to grow more dependent on him. The abuser may promise to take her out, but that may seldom happen.  She will cry herself to sleep at nights, and feel as if she is going into a state of depression.  Possibly, she may even start drinking. However, drinking to cover up the pain will be ineffective, because the effects of the drink will wear off.

Getting rid of the abusive and controlling manipulator is the first step to solving your problem. She will need someone who can help her to heal, preferably someone from her own culture, who will also encourage her not to make the same mistake again.

At times, the abuser may call her derogatory names such as bitch, whore or ratchet, but this is the kind of verbal and emotional abuse that will make her feel worthless, and would allow her to accept a feeling of worthlessness.

In essence, the abuser wants her to feel as if she is nothing, in the hope that she would likely believe that she is not desired by anyone else, and this would force her to remain in the relationship.  Every time she leaves the house, the abuser may accuse her of going to see another lover. But the abuser expects her to be contented with his going out with friends or another lover.

The abuser will also find faults with the way she dresses, and play a seesaw game with her body image. This is not someone who loves her, rather someone who is destroying her self-esteem, physical and mental health.

The abuser may make the woman believe that he has undergone changes just for her.  Sometimes the abuser will bring up things from the past, simply to hurt her.  She will start to feel the onset of depression and anxiety.  But for some reason, she may feel that if she leaves the abuser, she  will fall apart.  She would have to uninstall these false patterns of behaviour and thinking.

Some women may tell a friend about the abuse, but get silently mad at the friend when he/she says something negative about the abuser. The truth can hurt too. Sometimes the woman being abused will justify her abuser’s behaviour.

Black women must get their lives back from their abusers, and stop allowing themselves to be hurt by domestic violence and emotional abuse.

If by chance the abuser is charged for a crime, the abused woman is usually the one who pays for his canteen in jail, and takes his collect calls. She is also the one who attends his court case. Yet, she would get no thanks for supporting him in this way.

At times, the abuser will accuse her of not talking to him, but there are many times when she would talk to him and it feels as if she is talking to a brick wall. She may even take care of his child from another relationship, but still there will not be a demonstration of appreciation for her efforts.

“Women, please no longer be anyone’s fool”. Why are you with this possessive, controlling and abusive person? Perhaps only you can answer that question. The abuser may bring up the name of an ex-lover, knowing quite well that it will make you upset. Then there might be a quarrel between you and your abuser about the other lover. There are some Black women who breakup several times with their abuser, but keep taking him back. Take for example Marie, a pseudonym, who left her abuser three times within ten years. Treatment that included help to rebuild her shattered self-esteem, made the fourth split her last.

Now let’s just imagine for a moment here, what it would look and feel like if a woman left this controlling, manipulative and possessive abuser:

She would feel as if she has learnt to live trapped in a cave. It is sad that she has learnt to live so long with such negativity.  It is likely that she will reflect on what life was with the abuser.

Most times the abuser didn’t take her anywhere, but always found somewhere to go whenever he wanted to do so. No longer would she have to feel like somebody’s property or his sex object. She may say to herself that she is tired just living in a cave for so long. During the time of the abuse, random people, including some friends may have told her that she looked good, but, surely she  knew differently. For when she looked into the mirror at herself, she saw the stress and the depression from living with the abuser.

If you are an abused woman, you may ask yourself , “How am I going to do this now that my abuser is gone?” However, you must not get in this type of thinking.  Instead, you should take a deep breath from the bottom of your stomach, and let it out slowly, allowing yourself to get into a mode of relaxation, with a feeling that a weight is lifted from your shoulders.  This deep breathing should be repeated, and should be done when needed to help you relax.  The depression and the emotionless feelings will get better with time.  You must try doing spontaneous and happy things despite how you are feeling. This would help to offset your feelings of depression.  In reflecting on life with your abuser, you will find that you spent most of your time pleasing him .There were two sides to this abuser; some people saw a nice person, but you knew differently.  Now that the abuser is gone, you are no longer doing laundry, cooking and many other things for someone who doesn’t care about you.

You have obviously lost many years to this abuser, but, now you have to say to yourself, “I need myself back”. You should also say that you are not letting anyone else return you to that abusive place again. Say to yourself that you have to take care of you in order to take care of your children. Of course this is, if you have any children.  Now, the abuser is off your case and let it stay that way. Wherever the abuser is at this moment, he needs to be there, and not with you.

Some people do not realize how good they have it, until it is gone. The abuser will realize what he had, because you treated them well.  You don’t wish the abuser anything bad because you are not a hater. The abuser needs professional help and you cannot help him.

It is time to be around positive people. If there is something that you always wanted to do, you should do it now. Things will feel different as the daily routine with the abuser is gone. You have to fight every anxiety that you may experience relevant to re-starting  a relationship with this abuser.

Always acknowledge the way you are feeling, if you think that you miss this person. But as you move away from that feeling, tell yourself that there is a difference between ‘missing’ and ‘wanting to go back living in a trapped cage.’  Keep going forward with your life and never go backwards. Avoid answering private phone calls, and ask your friends not to block their numbers when they call you. It is important that you always see who is calling you before you answer your phone. Write a journal about how you are progressing every day, and let your family and friends know of your whereabouts at all times.

If you feel unsafe and you can move to another location you should do that.  Never let anyone steal your peace, joy and good mental health. “Black women, you must never remain in an abusive relationship”.

Many of our women tend to be complacent and become out of shape. Then they blame it on the children, work and stress.  It doesn’t take long to get physically fit.  Here is some advice for you, Black women:

• Do not stay in the car or indoors all the time, but rather get out and walk sometimes.
• Join a gym and start exercising or do it at home. Always talk to your doctor to make sure you are ready to get involved in any strenuous activity.
• You are not super women, but you are resilient and many of you have learnt to weather the storms in your lives. So do some affirmations and tell yourself that you are going to be strong, determine and overcome your obstacles.
• Work on improving yourself. Do a course at school; take care of personal matters in your life and don’t procrastinate.
• Always keep yourself constructively occupied, and don’t become a social media addict. Never let people think that you have nothing better to do with your life, then to be always waiting by your cell phone for them to message you.
• . Freedom is one of the best gifts that we have, so use it wisely.

My professional work with women, dealing with depression and other mental illnesses as a result of domestic violence, informs me that it is a serious issue in many communities. Domestic violence continues to be a hidden issue in the Black community among Black women. It would be remiss of me not to mention that Black men, teenagers and the elderly also experience domestic violence.

Sadly, some of us in the Black community subscribe to the philosophy of leave people‘s business and mind your own. But domestic violence is not a private matter, and it is everybody’s business.

If you have a friend or a family member who is being abused, let him/her know that you are there to offer help. It may not be easy, because the person could be dealing with co-dependency, depression, anxiety, shame, fearfulness, and doubtfulness. Black women being abused will need our support to help them leave the abusive relationship.

Do you know a Black woman who is being abused? Help her today and you might just save her life tomorrow.