Open Relationships: Could The Rules Of Marriage Be Ripe For A Change?

The photo above is of a happy Black couple. Photo credit: © Can Stock Photo Inc:

 

Despite the prevalent view that married partners should remain faithful to each other, a certain segment of society has long preferred open relationships.

Now new research may provide a clue as to why.

A study by researchers at the University of Oxford and Northumbria University in England showed that people may naturally fall into two distinct groups: those seeking a long-time love, and those interested in more casual encounters.

Both men and women sorted into the two groups, though slightly more men tended to seek short-term encounters, the researchers found.

Those findings are not surprising to those involved in open marriages.

“More people are in open relationships than you would think,” says Michael Foster, who has such a relationship with his wife, Barbara. “They just aren’t open about their open relationships.”

He says studies that find just five percent of Americans in “consensual non-monogamous” relationships are low-balling reality. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and websites that encourage cheating have millions of followers.

“We have not divorced and we haven’t cheated,” says Barbara Foster. “Wouldn’t you rather have a commitment to honest and open communication about how to make your relationship work, rather than a lot of deceit?”

The Oxford and Northumbria researchers analyzed data on the sexual attitudes of 575 British and American men and women. Some of their questions looked at how willing people were to engage in casual sex or short-term affairs.

Both men and women split into two groups: one made up of people who valued being faithful and another with people seeking flings. Slightly more than half of the men could be classified as having the promiscuous orientation, compared with slightly less than half of the women.

During their over 40 years of marriage, the Fosters have both had affairs – and neither is upset or ready to file divorce papers.

“We are well matched and we get along,” Barbara says.

As an example of just how well, Michael wrote the foreword for Barbara’s latest book, “Confessions of Librarian: A Memoir of Loves” (www.threelovestory.com <www.threelovestory.com> ), in which she recounts many of her dalliances as she traveled to faraway and sometimes dangerous places.

Their open marriage didn’t start out that way. They were brought up strictly middle-class, worked hard at school and college, and married at age 20. They once had a more traditional marriage, but over time the situation evolved.

“For several years we had great sex that precluded outside involvements,” Barbara says. “Monogamy, the first stage in our romantic cycle, gave way to a ‘tolerant marriage’ then an ‘open marriage.’ ”

“We were ahead of the curve in more ways than one,” Michael adds. “Younger people are marrying less, older people divorcing more. But with open marriage you can have security and self-expression, too.”

The Fosters agree that openness and consideration of the other’s needs are the keys to their successful marriage. They live, love and work together as authors and educators.

“An open marriage is about more than affairs,” Barbara says. “It’s about each partner pursuing what matters to him or her. That includes travel, hobbies, being away sometimes, anything that helps to define you.”