Six Tips To Better Sex For 2015

By Amirah
Pride Sex Columnist

January is almost over, the beginning of 2015 has come, and gone, and many people are still not happy with the current state of their sex life. Even if you are not the “new year, new me” type, there is still room for making goals, and doing what it takes to achieve them; and who says you can’t make “have better sex” one of your top achievable goals?

The concept of “better” sex is subjective. Better sex looks like whatever you want it to look like, based on your past and current experiences—and if you are not happy with your sex life, that is a loud indication that you need to have better sex. The change needs to begin with you. When relationships get to the comfortable stage everyone yearns for, yet complains about when they get there, it is very easy to blame the sexual stagnancy on the other half. But what about you? What are you doing, and what are you not doing to ensure your satisfaction, and the satisfaction of your mate?

In this quest for better sex all around Toronto, I have compiled a list of six ways to rev up your sex life for 2015.

1. Look in the mirror. Let’s take a page from any self-help book that encourages you to get to know the woman or man in the mirror. Now, take off all your clothes and look in the mirror. Sit in awkward positions, and hold flirty conversations with yourself. Fall in love with you. Tell yourself you are fine as hell. Talk to yourself in the sexist way you can without laughing. Touch yourself. Ladies, get out your handy mirror, open your legs, and get to know your vagina. Your mate desires to please you, but can you effectively please yourself?
2. Have sex with the light on. This may seem off putting at first, as being sexually intimate with another person is already nerve wracking as it is. Whether it’s been years, months, or even weeks, it can be hard for us to completely let go and embrace the vulnerability that comes with sexual intimacy. Having sex with the light on will do just that; it will make you both beautifully vulnerable. It will cause you to really see your partner, and to really see how your body reacts to your partner, and your partner’s body to you. It will bring you back to giggles, curious touches, and shy smiles. Shy smiling is good.
3. Lose some weight, or gain some weight. The most important thing is to be healthy, and to love you. Yes, life happens, ladies. Ladies you have carried, and birthed beautiful babies, your body has changed, and it is still beautiful. You have overcome sickness and disease, you are a fighter, your body has changed, and it is still beautiful. If you feel uncomfortable in your body, it will manifest in your sex life, not only will it affect you, it will also affect your partner. You will not want to have sex with the lights on. You may not want to experiment with different sex toys, or positions, and if you are not talking about it, the silence will cause assumptions that may build up over time, and explode into a situation that cannot be fixed. Men are not immune from this. So men, get healthy, get fit. Men, you have also experienced life’s changes, stress, disappointment, and sickness, and you survived, if even barely. Get healthy, get fit, and take steps to ensure you can still bring the thunder to the bedroom well into your old age.
4. Invest in non-sexual intimacy, this cannot be stressed enough. Sex is more than licking the clit, and grinding into the sunset—sexual intimacy begins with non-sexual intimacy. Men and women are wired the same when it comes to the need for attention from their partner. Phone calls or texts during the day, conversations that stimulate the mind, as well as the endorphins; simple handholding, and words of affirmation can create an atmosphere for loud, bed shaking sex. Never underestimate the power of showing affection outside of the bedroom.
5. Extend the foreplay. Remember the days when you would make out, and get all hot and bothered? Back when the loving was fresh, shiny, and new, so you spent time learning your partner’s body, looking for those sweet spots, and committing them to memory. Rewind to those days, and begin the process all over again. I’m a big fan of the grab and cum, power to the quickies! Quickies however do not allow much time for connecting, and the connection is what we are after. The connection is often what is missing, and what can turn ok, mediocre sex into great, amazing, spend all day in bed sex.
6. Talk to someone. There are many sex therapists that want to help you create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling sex life based on your terms, and your definition on what that looks like, and feels like.

In our society, and in our own Black communities, it is not easy to talk about sex in an open space. It is frowned upon, it is silenced, and is not welcomed. So how can we be surprised that so many relationships are failing, grasping at strings to maintain the facade of a happy, fulfilling relationship, when a lacking sex life is often the number one reason for the happiness, and tension?

Regardless of how you define “better” sex for you, and your relationship, with these six steps, you can look forward to a year of just that.

Do you have questions or problems regarding your sex life? Amirah can help you with answers. Your name and information will not be published. Amirah welcomes your feedback! Send your comments or questions to: amirah@pridenews.ca. Follow her on Twitter: @I_amAmirah.