Black Girls And Self-esteem

By Dr. Peter Sealy
Pride Guest Columnist

The Black family — including the extended family — must come together to build the self–esteem of Black girls.

The stage that comes before adulthood, a point in time determining a young person’s identity, is molded by peers, family, media and other forces. It is through this period, that Black girls set their lens beyond family members and search for their own location in society.

For some Black girls, this is the juncture where they may feel a loss of hope, purpose and self-esteem. So it is important for us to be informed about self-esteem issues and some of the ways it can impact on Black girls.

The adolescent Black girl, who has little love for herself and believes that society does not accept her, may enter womanhood seeking acceptance from the wrong people. These people include manipulative, controlling and possessive men.

We, in the Black family, need to tell young Black girls that they are important, beautiful and that we love and value them. If we don’t, some of the many devious characters will tell them. If these Black girls believe these possessive, controlling and manipulative characters, their lives could become very problematic.

Black girls will face prejudice, discrimination and racism as they grow up. They will also have to deal with stereotypes and people, who think that they possess special powers to predict their potential. These are the same people who do not expect much from Black girls.

It is important, that we in the Black family, raise our expectations of our girls, including Black fathers, to buffer their negative experiences. We can all do this by being there for them, showing patience, giving praise and encouragement, punishing the behaviour not the girl, showing interest in their hobbies and not being too quick to judge them.

The attention and time that we, in the Black family, give to our Black girls will go a long way in shaping their self-esteem. We cannot sit back, as a Black family, and watch, as society and other external forces strip away our Black girl’s self-image.

I know that it is our Black boys that tend to grab the headlines of treatment indifference in our society. However, let us not forget our Black girls.

Besides the Black family, the education system has a role to play in building self-esteem in Black girls. It should portray positive images of Black men and women. Additionally, it should offer Black girls access to Black history programming and allow for critical thinking and expression.

Two activities that Black girls can do to help with self-esteem issues, are firstly, to write down their strengths and weaknesses on a paper. They should write as many strengths and weaknesses as they can, and try to correct their weaknesses.

The second activity is to do skits on what healthy and unhealthy self-esteem looks like. When a Black girl has a healthy self-esteem, she will feel good about herself for whom she is, value her self-worth and feel proud of her abilities and achievements.

An example of unhealthy or low self-esteem is Susan, not her real name, who has always been in bad relationships. The men that she has been involved with normally use hurtful words to put her down.

Susan told me not to worry too much about her, because she is not worth anything and referred to herself as stupid. By helping Susan to identify that she was reading from a negative slate, I was able to help her make a full turnaround.

For some Black girls, body image can also be a source of unhealthy or low self-esteem. Not every Black girl looks like the brick house body image that the Commodores refer to in their song. In the same context, not every Black girl who is slender, wants to be referred to in the vernacular as “maga” or the mainstream term “skinny”. Neither does the Black girl wish to hear comments like, “she doesn’t have any shape”.

Some of us spend too much time warning Black girls about not coming home with a “big belly” or getting pregnant. Sometimes this exchange is preceded by an argument and, words used can often be judgemental and demeaning to the girl. Self-esteem problems are never addressed here and rather take a back seat. But the judgemental and demeaning words used, can work to lower the Black girl’s self-esteem or how she feels about herself.

Low self-esteem can contribute to early pregnancy. When a Black girl doesn’t love herself, consistent with low self-esteem, she could take more risks with her sexuality and the men she invites into her life.

A case in point is Mary, not her real name, who grew up in a family environment where she faced a lot of hurtful putdowns. Today at age 18, Mary is pregnant with her second child for the same man who also has another girl pregnant.  This man frequently uses hurtful putdown words towards Mary.

According to Mary, her friends often encourage her to leave this bad relationship. A few of them have already given up on her. Mary admitted to me that she suffers from low self-esteem. If we, as a Black family, do not take up self-esteem issues in the home, the very foundation of our girl’s self-concept will be damaged.

Poverty is an issue for Black girls as it is for girls from every cultural group. The Black family must work together to prevent Black girls from expressing the trials of poverty through school dropouts, early pregnancies, drug and alcohol use and negative behaviour. Poverty can affect the way some girls feel about themselves overall.

I am often proud of parents who, despite their differences with the other parent, do not prevent them from seeing their daughters. In my professional work, I continue to see the mental health damage done to Black girls by one parent who prevents the other parent from seeing them.

Friends and family of the parent engaging in this often revengeful, bullying, malice and spiteful behaviour and say nothing are giving consent. It is emotional abuse and isolating when a parent or someone keeps a child away from a caregiver if separated.

In addition, it is also emotional abuse and isolating if a child is kept away from family and friends. When a child is rewarded for staying away from a parent, other family members and friends, this is also isolating and emotional abuse.

Our Black girls or boys for that matter are not our property. Lest we forget, there was a horrific period in our history, when Black people were owned and sold as property.

An indication of self-esteem linked to mental illness, is when a person’s self-doubtful view, or low self-esteem, becomes so overwhelming or irrational, that it affects their daily activities of life. Here, low self- esteem can be the cause that leads to depression and anxiety.

Picture the Black girl now grown up into a woman in an abusive relationship. It could feel like living in a deep hole that is dark and painful. She steps out of that hole for a while and thoughts of escaping come to her mind. But the words what if, unsure, and even children, pop up in her mind in a panic fashion.

These words, in a somewhat twisted manner, become stability for her if she let them rule her mind. She then goes back into the dark hole again, where she feels stability, even though it is false stability. But at least she knows what will happen tomorrow. There is a monster influencing the false stability that claims to be a security blanket. But the security blanket is really a dirty blanket.

There is anxiety when the woman comes out of the dark hole that is temporarily relieved when she goes back in. Anxiety also joins depression in its coming and going from the physical and emotional abuse.

Throwing out the dirty blanket, means making a change and that’s when the anxiety comes back again. The dirty blanket is the abusive, possessive, manipulating, monstrous and controlling thorn in the woman’s side. There is never a good day or night rest living with a dirty blanket.

The day or night that the woman thinks is good, is when she behaves in a way the dirty blanket expects her to. Low self-esteem can make a woman delay the critical actions that she needs to take for things that includes peace and safety.

Coming out of that hole will always be temporary, unless the Black woman is offered help and guidance. Think of the Black woman who comes out of jail and without help, guidance or support will likely go back in.

In my professional work, I have found that, normally, it is better for the young, or older, Black woman to acknowledge that she needs help, rather than someone telling her. Things usually work better when a person comes to the realization that they need to make a change or need help.

Ask a Black girl today, if she loves and feels good about herself. Show her love and not frowns and she will learn to love herself. Allow her to express and articulate herself freely, starting in the home. For she, like all girls and women, have opinions, needs and feelings.

Let us, as a global Black family, work together to create a world where young Black girls can dream, have hope and develop a healthy self-esteem.