Are You Playing Your Part As A Good Woman Or Wife?

By Sandy Daley

Do you put others before yourself? Do you consider yourself to be truly happy, or are you living in a “shell” of yourself?

Not that I am discussing anyone’s business, but I have a friend by the name of Maxine who is considered to be the perfect wife. She hasn’t worked since the children were born, and her goal in life is to keep her family intact. She cooks, cleans, does the groceries, takes care of the bills, looks after the children, and is the glue that keeps her family together. Her husband, Marcus, is a systems analyst with the government and is the primary breadwinner in the family.

He is never home most nights, goes away on extended holidays on his own, and never, ever takes Maxine out on dates. Her house is paid for, her children attend great schools, there is money in the bank, food on the table, credit cards in her wallet—but she is not happy. She knows that something is wrong because there is no intimacy in her marriage.

Her husband makes no sexual advances towards her anymore, and she wonders if he is cheating. “Don’t you find me attractive anymore Marcus?” she asks. “We have not made love in five months, and you do not seem worried about that. Why don’t you come to bed at night and not sleep on the couch? Marcus, please talk to me!” But there is never a response.

The most that she has ever gotten from him is, “Maxine, a lot of women would kill to be in your shoes. You have a beautiful home, money in your pocket, and food on the table, and you have never had to work for any of these things. What is your problem? Just leave well enough alone!”

Maybe she was crazy, she thought. Maybe she wanted too much out of life. What is wrong with her? She must stop nagging her husband for affection and care as she has a lot in life – more than a lot of other women. So what if he is cheating with someone else? At least he comes home! “Get it together Maxine,” she rationalizes. “Play your role as a good wife and leave the man alone!”

It is a fact that most women put others before themselves. It is a rare thing to see a woman who puts herself before others without her feeling guilty, or society calling her selfish or an unfit mother. Have you ever seen that woman, a businesswoman most times, running around, having that kid on her hip or in her office, while she is on the phone doing fifty million things at once? She kills herself trying to please everyone and at the end of the day, is made to feel like a bad mother and wife because she wants—God forbid—a “career”.

The funny thing is, that husband of hers has no qualms about cheating on her with his secretary or going off with his buddies golfing or to a football game. Their swings are off, their football outfits don’t fit anymore, and there is no hope in hell that they will ever play competitively again; but still, they go. Her “career” takes a backseat to everything else around her, and she never accomplishes all that she could have.

In regards to the children, just remember that they will and must leave you at some point. They will leave you when they are good and ready, not when you are ready for them to go. They too want their own lives.

You might get a call from the kids one day a week when they are adults – if you are lucky. Take the time to take that course that you have always wanted to, go for that promotion that you want and take that stripping class that’s always intrigued you. Also, spend time by yourself and with your girlfriends. Live a little. This not only allows you the freedom to have your own identity, but it also cushions the blows that come later on in life when the kids leave the nest or your husband finds himself going through a midlife crisis.

The idea is to fill your life with work, activities and passions that suit, inspire and fulfill your needs in this game that we call “life”. Living for another human being (children or spouse), is not a good idea, as at the end of the day, you will only have yourself to blame if you are not truly happy with the life that you created for yourself; the one that God gave to you.

Last but certainly not least, learn to speak up about what you desire from your partner as well, as it is the only way to let others know of your innermost desires and wishes.

Sandy Daley is a columnist, radio and television personality and actress. She is also the author of “Whose Vagina Is It, Really?” She can be contacted at: Website: www.sandydaley.com, Facebook: womanincontrol@facebook.com, Twitter: twitter.com/whosevaginaisit and/or Email:thesinglegirlspot@gmail.com.